So why do I call it odd… Well, it wasn’t until this year that I realized why mother’s day is odd. First I found that it’s a holiday set up to honor mothers, but that it occasionally makes mothers feel like crap. My grandmother told me that in church on mother’s day they used to give each mother a prize for being the best mother at…”making all your kids close,” “Always speaking softly and kindly to your children” She said she’d leave church feeling like garbage because she wasn’t all those wonderful things that all those other women were. She wasn’t the perfect mother, because she didn’t do all the things in the perfect mother poems and it left her feeling guilty. I mean just today I cycled through my own feelings of inadequacies. How no one was making a big deal for me for mother’s day, and how that probably means I’m not a very good mother, and that I don’t deserve the appreciation that other women get because well I’m just not that great of a mom. I mean my house gets messy; I snap at my children and raise my voice. I am not even close to perfect and thus the guilt trip of mother’s day that has affected my grandma, has also affected me. That is why mother’s day is an odd holiday.
It seems that the idea of a perfect mother becomes a
personal guilt trip. Perhaps it is the competitive nature of women, or perhaps
it is Satan trying to make us feel worthless. Perhaps, Satan is trying to use
our weaknesses against us to prevent our spiritual growth. There are so many benefits to Satan if he can
lower a woman’s self-esteem and make her think of only her inadequacies, and/or
to get her to judge others because she feels inadequate at something. (I think
I sometimes do this, look for something bad in others because they do something
better than me, I say “yea, well but they do this….so I’m not really that bad)
I know I have a deep desires to be perfect, and the slap sometimes feel if
others are able to achieve in the areas where we fall short is painful.
It’s interesting I worry because my house is to messy and my
kids are too messy and how can I be teaching them to be such slobs and how can
I lose my temper they’re just adorable innocent little children, and why don’t
I just be more like this….(fill in the blank for you).
I was talking with a good friend about my feelings of inadequacies,
a friend who I think is perfect and who is an amazing hard working “perfect”
mom. She told me her worries are on the other side of the spectrum “I clean too
much” she said “I’m worried that my kids will be overly worried about being
clean. I just need to let this go so I can spend a little time with them and
read with them.” This conversation opened my eyes to realize that my feelings
of inadequacies will always be there, and that I will most likely always feel
there’s something I’m not doing that I should be doing. Then my friend told me
that God doesn’t want children raised by perfect people and that if he wanted
to he could send down angels to teach our children; just like he did for the
Nephites after Christ came. She said it is beneficial for them to see a person
mess up, but to see her turn to the lord and repent. The example of using the
atonement in your life and letting your children see that is more powerful than
the example of a perfect women. My heart melted with this inspiration. I was
amazed by the concept.
Then tonight while I was going over all these things in my
head the thought came to me that the greatest thing I can develop in this life
is trust in the lord. Trust that he
has a purpose, trust that he sent these adorable little angles to me for a reason,
trust that he wants me to learn something from them, and that he wants them to
learn something from me. Trust that he gave me J.R. for a reason. Trust that
his plan is greater for me than my plan for me is. In Doctrine and Covenants
46:11-12 “For all have not every gift given unto them; for there are many
gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God. To some is given
one, and to some is given another, that all
may be profited thereby.” And in 1 Corinthians 12:31 it says “but covet
earnestly the best gifts” (Covet meaning to seek earnestly, be zealous for.)
Once these ideas were compiled in my head I thought: wow,
what if God said I’ll send Barbara to Esther, and Esther who is a slob will
show her she can change and will show her by example to pray and ask for help
to know how, and to change the habits that she has formed. Or, if I knowing my
mother yelled a lot said: “I really want to be her daughter because she has a
strong and loving heart, and she will teach me to look past the physical appearances
of others and see the spirit behind the person. I will leave her home feeling
scared and unprepared on how to deal with relationships, and how to build a
healthy home. But, I will know the power of feeling loved, and the example of
charity and self-sacrifice, I will know how to get yelled at and still love
someone, and I will know how to look past the immediate layers a person
presents to the world and be able to see them a little bit by how God sees them.
Please let that great woman be my mother. I love her so much!
Until tonight I had never thought of the careful placement
each child is to each parent. I am sure now that there is a reason, and that
the gifts God gave my mother the gift of endurance, the gift of charity, the
gift to make others feel loved. I am sure those things have profited me in my
life. I know her example has benefited me. I also know that the other gifts and
talents of other amazing women that have surrounded me during my life have also
been for my benefit and learning. My dedicated primary and Y.W. leaders, my faith
filled Grandmother. J.R.’s amazing hardworking faithful crafty, organized, fun
mother and grandmothers. All of their gifts have, and are helping me to be a
better person.
I am so grateful for the mothers and women in my life. I’m
grateful for the gifts that they have been given and the talents that they
share with me. I will try and not be as judgmental, but I will seek only the
best of feelings and love for the talents God has given others. Perhaps I can
now think “I am glad that woman is a great soft spoken well organized clean
person” I’m glad someone has given me that example, perhaps I can make friends
with her, and my children can learn from her gifts that she has been given, and
that I too can learn, and pray for similar gifts. I will trust in the lord’s
plan for me and my family as well as his plan for other families. I will
respect and be grateful for the gifts he has given me, and the gifts he has
given others. I will not be jealous or envious or sad that I was not given
those, only dedicated to trying to gain them and seek them out in my life. I
know he loves and cares for me and all of his children. I am so grateful for
the gift to believe in him, and to be surrounded by amazing women! –Love,
Esther 5/13/2012
P.S. To all the amazing mothers and women out there…Yes that
means you! Thank you so much for all you do and all you are; from your strengths
to your weaknesses. You mean a great deal to me, and I know for a fact, you
mean a great deal to God! Happy Mothers Day
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